Rather than focusing on including children with different needs, focus on finding ways to give children a sense of belonging.
– Mike Huber, Inclusion Includes Us

Contributed by Kirsten Haugen, Director of Professional Growth and Research, Dimensions Foundation, and member of the World Forum Global Collaborative OnDesign.

One of my children was born with sensory sensitivities and a self-regulation system that just didn’t settle in the way it does for most, which meant we shared a lot of challenges along the way. When his energy and mood weren’t a match for his preschool’s (or his kindergarten’s) expectations of the moment or the pace of the next transition, he was (frequently) sent to the “Peace Table.” The chair didn’t face the corner, and the flowers, kind words, and framed photo of the earth were beautiful indeed, but he would say, “Mommy! I hate the Peace Table!” The “Peace Table” wasn’t where anyone went by choice, it was where you were sent, and everyone knew it. He saw it – better than I did at the time – as a form of public shaming behind a mask of kindness and beauty – how confusing!

Tamar Jacobsen’s recent ExchangeEveryDay message reminded me of the many things my child experienced at the Peace Table over two decades ago: “fear, exclusion, loneliness, and resentment.” As Tamar reminded us, “Self-regulation becomes a nightmare,” because the child – my child – who was counting on me and other adults to feel safe and loved in those moments felt anything but.

We now know the brain’s response to this is to code anything associated with fear, distrust or disconnection in the ‘high alert’ file, so the next similar encounter sends our defenses up, setting the stage for ever-escalating conflict between what the child is seeing, feeling and understanding, and what the physical, social, sensory, and cultural environment is throwing their way. Back to the Peace Table we go, further intensifying the stress response.

My hope for all children like my child is that when they experience any form of discomfort, disconnection or distress, someone is there who values connection over compliance. I am heartened whenever I see caregivers who don’t judge a child for their behavior but see it as a signal to lean in and use rules and agreements as supportive guides.